I used to think that everybody was finding me ridiculous. Innapropriate, incompetent, insecure,stupid, immature, yada yada yada. So everybody thought these terrible things about me. And when folks happened to give me contrary evidence, some positive feedback, say, or appreciation of some kind, I just thought they did not see the real me. Because if they had seen the real me, they would find me ridiculous etc. I managed to fool them (just so that I could add dishonest to my list). There is an obvious problem with this mindset: what I thought about what other people thought was irrefutable. If someone sent...
Self esteem
Healing the shame that binds you
Healing the Shame that Binds You, from John Bradshaw, is considered a recovery classic with good reason. It’s a powerful book, one that can really help you in your journey towards emotional health. Unhealthy shame, as Bradshaw defines it, is basically thinking you are flawed and defective as a human being. Nothing you can do, be it extraordinarily impressive or terrible, will change that fact. The problem is who you are. As such, it is different from guilt, which allows you to recognize you have done something wrong and pushes you to make amends. With shame, there is nothing you...
Low Self Esteem
My low self esteem used to torture me, particularly at work. One day, I realized I had no possibility of getting it right: if I did a lousy or an average job, I was hearing “I can’t believe how lazy and incompetent you are”. If I did a great job, I was hearing “who do you think you are? You’re only trying to get noticed”. I realized I had two options: lying on the ground and getting fed through a straw, or addressing the issue of my abysmal self esteem. I did address it and it improved dramatically over...
Who are you, Dr Jekyll ?
My first encounter with the idea of a social self, in a way I could comprehend at least, took place while reading Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live, from Martha Beck. It hit me like a revelation. So this was the part of me who was always agreeing to everything, who was writing endless to-do lists, who was desperately trying to conform to whatever was expected from me, who hated disagreements and conflicts. Nice to meet you social self, my name is Lauren, what the hell are you doing in my head? ...
Declare your emotional independence
“Really, what would you do without me!!”, he said jokingly after fixing something in the house. Usually, I would have rolled my eyes and answer ” you know, I probably would be a bag lady by now!”. And we would have laughed at the apparent silliness of this conversation. Such a great relationship, such a sense of humor. Ha ha. This time, to my horror, I understood he meant it. This man was convinced I would have difficulties organizing my life without him. I thought about the fact that we were both working full-time and contributing the same amount to the...
Shame is your enemy
I don’t remember when I first read “shame based personnality”, but I recognized it instantly: hell, it was me. Shame was my constant companion. I was always feeling it, about one thing or the other. Being late brought shame. Being early triggered shame as well. Doing something badly brought shame (you cannot get anything right type of shame), doing it well brought shame (who do you think your are type of shame). Wanting attention brought shame, but acting withdrawn as well. My desires and wants were shameful by definition. Even falling in love triggered shame. Oh God it was...