I used to think that everybody was finding me ridiculous. Innapropriate, incompetent, insecure,stupid, immature, yada yada yada.
So everybody thought these terrible things about me. And when folks happened to give me contrary evidence, some positive feedback, say, or appreciation of some kind, I just thought they did not see the real me. Because if they had seen the real me, they would find me ridiculous etc. I managed to fool them (just so that I could add dishonest to my list).
There is an obvious problem with this mindset: what I thought about what other people thought was irrefutable. If someone sent me negative feedback, I thought he was right. If someone sent me positive feedback, I thought he did not perceive me accurately and he was wrong. Talk about a no win situation.
The truth is: Everybody does not exist. There were folks who liked me, and folks who didn’t. People who found some things I did intelligent and appropriate, and others who did not appreciate them. Humankind is diverse, and not two people hold the exact same opinions on everything. Pleasing everybody is impossible. Plus, let’s face it : most people don’t especially care about what I do. And I shouldn’t especially care about what they think.
Everybody is in fact what psychologists call the generalized other. It’s a compilation of opinions from people you know. Sometimes this generalized other is benevolent. Sometimes it’s hostile, as in my case. But in both instances, the number of people who are behind your everybody is extremely limited indeed.
Think about it: how many people did actually voice these negatives opinions about you ? Who really said or wrote or even implied you were stupid (or incompetent or hysterical or whatever) ? Please exclude generalizations (like everybody in my class), and people who only thought you were stupid (you really can’t know what others are thinking unless they tell you).
If you abide by these conditions, you will find out Everybody basically boils down to a couple of folks, five at a maximum. My generalized other, for example, is composed mainly of my family of origin, so 3 persons.
Who is in your Everybody committee ? Please take time to think about it, because next time your generalized other starts shouting abuse , you need to replace “Everybody” by the actual persons who composed your generalized other. I promise it will shift your perspective completely.
For example, what do you think is more painful: “Everybody thinks I’m a failure because I divorced my husband” or “My parents think I’m a failure because I divorced my husband”?
So your parents don’t like what you did with your life. That’s unfortunate and sad. However, there probably are loads of people who would find it courageous and life affirming.
Drop Everybody from your judgments about what you did or who you are. Consciously, forcefully, repetitively if needs be. Don’t be tricked by your generalized other: it’s an illusion! Your parents are not everybody. Nor is your girlfriend. Or your teacher. Your circle of friends. Nobody is Everybody (even if they think they are).