This book has been a favorite of mine for more than a decade. So much so that when I realized I had lost it, I bought it again. It now resides safely in my kindle, this time immune to a future move.
Families and how to survive them has been written in a dialogue form between a shrink (Robin Skynner), and an actor (John Cleese, yes the Monthy Python one). It’s mainly about, well, families. From how – and why – people fall in love, to how love relationships work – or not -, and what happens when the children enter the picture.
Apparently John Cleese was in group therapy back then when we were all toddlers, and was so impressed by how well it worked for him and how much he learned from it that he decided to write a book with his by then ex-shrink.
Since I intended to write a post on it, I read it again. It is really brilliant. I realize that there are some serious flaws, but still, brilliant. Let’s start with the flaws so that we get it out of the way:
- It is dated on families. The only type of family depicted in this book is the traditional Dad, Mum, children configuration. I know that nowadays, this picture represents only a minority. However, my impression is that there are still nuggets of wisdom available for whatever type of families out there.
- It is so traditional that it can be downright offensive for women, not to mention gay people – it practically says that gay people could be “cured”, in a non-judgmental kind of way, but still. Please remember: this book was written in the early 80′s, and Robin Skynner had dissected mainly the families of origin of his patients, so basically we are talking about the families of the 50′s and 60′s. I was born a little bit more than 40 years ago, and all I can say is that it applies perfectly to my family of origin, and reasonably to me.
- It offers no practical solution – apart from 1/ Go to a shrink and 2/ if you let yourself be aware of your problems you will automatically seek a substitute experience to close the gap. This book will not offer practical, down to earth advice. I know I have written that I hate this type of book, but this one is the exception. Why? Because it explains everything.
Which leads me to: why is it so brilliant?
- Thanks to John Cleese, it is funny, and at times downright hilarious. It is the only psychology book that made me laugh so much.
- Because of its tone, and also because it does not tackle directly really “heavy” topics such as violence or trauma, it is an easy, light read.
- That said, it conveys an enormous amount of information about families and relationships. And it is accurate, life changing information. You will recognize couples and families you know, and yourself.
Families and how to survive them describes in length what very unhealthy families do: the lack of healthy boundaries, the projection, the scapegoating, the denial, the whole lot. Believe it or not, it was the first time these things were described to me in detail, the first time I realized my issues were not stemming from my basic inadequacy, but from the way I was brought up. In a sense it changed my life.
The way I read this book now is different from the first time: I am not so focused on my family of origin, and much more focused on myself and my current relationships. I recognize all the unhealthy things I do on each and every page (!). I’m pleased to report that according to Dr. Skinner, seeing my problems is a sure sign of emotional health.
There’s a comment on Amazon asking Why didn’t anyone tell me about all that before? Well, I think the information is out there in various other books. But this one is a great synthesis, and it is conveyed in such a funny and non-threatening way that we get it. It can change the way you view relationships and families, i.e. what really matters in your life. It can be a real eye-opener. It certainly was for me.