Did you go through relationship failures ? If we live on the same planet, you probably did. Did you see, in hindsight, that there were obvious problems from the start ? I’m guilty of this as well. Did it help for other relationships? As far as I’m concerned, not really, because the red flag was different for each story (sight).
After considerable analysis though, I understood there was a particular red flag always present in each failed attempt, besides the obvious not Available / Abusive / Addicted (my own personal AAA, also known as “Run!”). This one is not obvious, so we don’t try to find out, but we definitely should because its predictive value is strong.
What a failed relationship is:
I don’t know about you, but I have lived through spectacular relationship failures. By that, I don’t mean a relationship that goes well for a while, but then comes to an end because we grew appart, or one of us fell in love with someone else, or whatever. This can be qualified as a relationship success even if the success is temporary.
No, by failure, I mean the relationship which never went well. Its start was bizarre, the middle was unpleasant, and the end was harrowing. I sure felt very intense feelings, and I definitely had high hopes for the love story throughout. But hope is the operative word here: it was never replaced by reality. I had the distinct impression that my partner was completely unable to attain some sense of intimacy and trust (so was I, but that’s another story).
So what did these guys all have in common ? They had no friend.
The importance of having friends
If you meet a potential partner who’s got no friend, it tells you two important things about your future relationship with him / her:
1- He, or she, does not know how to connect with anyone. Connection is essential for human beings. So everybody who knows how to do it, actually does it. Someone who entertains the fantasy that he or she is a loner and does not need friendship is in denial: the reality is that she would, if she could. She just doesn’t know how.
And guess what: if your potential mate doesn’t know how to trust and be close to friends, he or she doesn’t know how to trust and be close to anyone. Be warned. It’s not going to be easy.
2- A partner who has no friend will rely on you to fulfill all of his or her emotional needs, and may be dangerously close to relationship addiction because of this. These needs are probably bottomless, because there hasn’t been anyone to fulfill them for ages. The task is close to impossible. Even if you somehow manage, it will drive you to exhaustion.
Plus, remember, your partner is unable to connect in the first place, so even if you never stop giving, he or she will never start receiving. He will never be satisfied anyway and your attempts to fulfill his needs will be futile. So on top of feeling exhaused, you will feel crazy. Sounds tempting ?
So my advice is: at the very beginning of a relationship, and yes even if you’ve got the very strong feeling that this is the one, please still check thorougly if your potential partner is available, addicted, or abusive. But on top of it, ask her or him clearly about their friends. For most of them, not having close friends is actually not a problem so they will be open about it.
If the answer is no, be kind to yourself and run.